Grievance

I guess the language of sadness is universal.

People who goes through it must have a strong heart. A group of people for support and the last thing he or she needs are some miracles.

It has been almost 30 days since it happened. I tried to stay strong, accept the fate and move on, as many asked me to do so. 

Dealing with death is not my forte. The things I told someone before, and now it happened right in front of me, inside my body, and the moment of truth just came so sudden, unexpectedly.

I could remember the unbearable contraction pain put me to sleep on the hospital bed. Dilation was between 6 - 7 cm, not yet full opening but still I could not enter the labour room.When the nurse woke me up, asking to lie side way, I knew something wrong had just happen. They cant find the baby''s heart beat. They tried to use many things including the scanner. At 11 pm, it was positively confirmed that the baby was gone.

Prior to that incident, i prayed to Allah to take my life away if these pain never end, if the hospital still could not let me in to the labour room. It has been 22 hours, and i decided to save my depleting energy with a nap.

He perhaps has better plan for us. She left me when I was in slumber. Without goodbyes. That was the saddest part.

Fast forward today, I think I have the strength to move on but a visit to my office just now proved I was wrong. Found myself in tears and to learn some truth - It takes a lot of courage to enter that place again. To face those people despite my condition of carrying would not bother to offer help when it comes to work matter. Especially there was a time when I found myself carrying 50 copies of Jemaah Menteri's lampiran, with a size of telephone directory for each of them, to my car, to Putrajaya, alone with Zahirah. I was 5 months pregnant that time. That night the office boy went missing for no reason. I took all those papers to the department knowing the deadlines given must be fulfilled.

Anyhow I am glad that my girl was with me all the time, to many places. Thousand miles of us together, making the day's end. 

I love you, Zahirah. But Allah loves you more.

If, and if, I can see you again, please come into my dreams and say you are OK.

The girl with turquoise eyes and cherry lips. You will always be in my heart.