New Year 2011

I was devastated. I had no one around, so calling Kuchai was the only solution.

Yup Mr.Kuchai has been there for me, for many nights, lepaking at mamak just to kill the time in Sunway, cause I could not sleep. It has been months that I spent the those night talking to N from 12 to 6 am. So when he was not there, I was terribly sort of missing him and the reality of this person suddenly departed from my life was a bit tough for me. Infact too tough.

Now it has entirely change my pattern of sleep. Kuchai was sort of like a "rebound" yang direlakan, thank you dear. I know this fella sort of like a brother to me when he, without hesitation came and shook my hand and N's during our Taman Negara trip. Someone who watch me going through all this shit and all this drama. Someone who is brave and never afraid to help people.

So our new year was a bit interesting. I rode the bikes with him to Putrajaya, layan corner in Perdana Putra and some government buildings, and the next morning, I found myself racing with him in MRR2, those zig zagging stunt, from KESAS highway to UIA exit. Breakfast and long chat about this life for hours at Baldi corner in Gombak, and the next thing I knew, it was all for wall climbing in Wangsa Maju. Yup he is so outdoor-sy person.

And when he really asked me to go back to Rawang, all this helplessness feeling came back.

I was alone. I was devastated again.

Why I am writing this?

I cannot finish this particular paper I am working at cause a month ago, I was sitting at the balcony of our cottage chalet looking at Tembeling River, with many ideas poured in. I cannot even see those post-it notes now. It was a half way done proposal when I spent the entire Friday morning in front of my lappie and started to type. It was tiring; long meetings during the week, picking someone from terminal, packing and driving from Rawang to Jerantut the next morning, and the road to Kuala Tahan was all wet due to the heavy rain, with pot holes and the next thing I knew, after we checked in our chalet, I started to have this idea to finish my job asap so that I can enjoy the rest of the trip.

So when I was working on the paper in the balcony, that particular person would as usual brought me some coffee and bread for every hour, as what we did in 10 years ago when I had my programming thingy in my rented apartment and he would sit beside me, chatting and making jokes or distracted me. And for that particular moment I realised how good it was to have someone beside you again. Time flies and without realising it, it was noon.

When I threw myself at the couch and wanted to sleep after 3 hours staring at the lappie, the next thing I knew, someone took a blanket and put it on me. It was something I miss for the entire years of my life. It was so comforting; the silence of the chalet, the cold weather and the warm blanket were helping me to sleep. And I had someone beside me watching me, humming his tunes like in those days...

Yup, we were exactly like we used to be in those days. The conversation, the jokes, our dream and hopes. The only new thing we did after our first dinner was exchanging and listening to our 10 years of break up songs, boleh?

In the presence

How I wish Kuchai can distract me from remembering the person like discussing our planned scuba/snorkelling/hat yai trip or our Balik Kampung together to Melaka where Kuchai comes from this small pekan of Selandar, next to my Kampung Bukit Senggeh, Jasin.

And how I wanted Kuchai can be as funny as that person when N's many jokes and one of them I was about this "hantu penanggal" video clip we watched together still hold my heart till now.

Kuchai was just only a friend. A temporary rebound which I unashamedly made him to be one. Yup, I am so corrupted.

Staring at my notes where N's scribbles asking me to stop and the cartoon faces he made, I think I need to finish this straight and throw away the notes.

I just realised how weak I am. I was like myself back in 10 years ago.

Have been listening to Yuna lately. Nice songs!