Yeehaa, esok makan pree.....

For the weekend, I was a nurse to a kid who demam memang tak ingat dunia... yerla, dulu menjaga ayahnya, sampai emaknya demam-demam...this time the daughter who had this high fever due to her swimming class. Lepas tu tobat takmo pegi swimming. "Nak swimming kat rumah mama jer..." I was really touched with my daughter's attempt to smile even she was damn weak and of course, sometimes the guilt feeling surrounded me for being there only for weekend basis. I have to spend more this with this girl as she is catching her lesson pretty fast and even tengah baring-baring sakit, we managed to browse the weekend PancaIndera paper coz she loves to know what was on it...her reading skill now doesnt allow her to do so. Now this is the harder part, I could not spend my time teaching her the basic reading, duhh...what a lousy mum I am to her, but I am trying the best for ajar apa yang patut because she is a keen learner.

I hate to be a lousy parent. I hate playing the Wilhemina Slater's role. But I have to work to support this family. Not my family, but the entire family. I wish that someone can marry me and support me all the way where I can spend my time picking my daughter from school, cook for her, teach her a lesson or two like other of my friends, their life seems so blissful. Even today, I decide that whatever it takes, I must find a calon lar. so pathetic isnt it? Sometimes I wish that my man can pick me from the office, like the ex did. We go out for dinner if I am not cooking. We coil ourselves in front of telly, watching lousy DVDs or CDs and Fatiha will be the happiest daughter coz the father loves old man's wise cracking jokes while the mum trying to be the most serious person in the house. It is like what you can see in Muksin. Duhh, I hate remembering the part but the idea of having a father to my daughter is something not really makes her happy. Obviously.

When I stared at her weak and red eyes of hers when she lie down on the couch with sweaters and selimut busuk, accidentally I said, "Fatiha tau, mata fatiha bulat macam mata papa Tiha...."

she turned away, with expression of disgust, sad and anger. Her flash of infamous "jelingan" made me to realise that she is not ready to have another person into her current life.

Even not her own biological father.